Boundaries for the Home-Bound College Student

With the Safer at Home order in full effect to decrease the spread of the COVID-19 virus, there is much to think about when it comes to boundaries.  We have all been called to take critical measures of social responsibility to decrease the spread of the contagion causing a global pandemic.  As a college student, you likely needed to shelter in place with family and leave the freedom and structure of the college environment which may have felt like your first glimpse of adult life.  So where does that leave you now? Do you find yourself feeling like your parents are seeing you as younger than you are, such as the high school version of you? 

Do you have a parent that is concerned that you’ve been sleeping too much? Are they questioning how you’re studying if you’re using Face Time until 2:00 am? And why aren’t you wanting to eat at the table for family dinners? The transition from college to home learning sure can take a toll on you and your loved ones through these times of great adjustment.

While we have been confined to the physical windows and walls of our residence, I have been thinking a lot about the physical, emotional, and professional boundaries that have truly been abruptly altered due to the practice of social distancing.  So what is a boundary and why do psychologists care so much about them? Boundaries are critical to living a healthy life.  They assist us with setting parameters by establishing rules and limits that help keep us physically, emotionally, and mentally safe.  Boundaries affect our professional and personal time, emotional health, and physical health.  Setting limits helps us navigate through shared space which is particularly important during social distancing and being home bound. 

Here are a few tips to establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries with your loved ones at home during these unprecedented times:

1.    Acknowledge feelings. Acknowledging each family member’s feelings about these new circumstances of living together again allows for respect of emotional boundaries.  It gives you as the adult child the opportunity to voice what you like, don’t like, what you do differently now that you’ve lived independently at school, and how you feel about returning home.  As a college student now living at home, modeling how to acknowledge your own feelings may allow your parents to view you as a maturing adult instead of the former high school student that last lived in your childhood bedroom.  Can you find ways to acknowledge your own feelings and your parents about how they’re feeling during these uncertain times?

 2. Practice Open Communication.  Just as parents can practice being direct of what they’re expecting their children to do or how they’re expecting them to act under their roof, it is important to keep the lines of communication open between parents and young adult children. After acknowledging feelings, communicating one’s needs and wants in a direct manner is essential to establishing healthy boundaries.  Do physical boundaries need to be re-evaluated? Who will be using the living room or kitchen table for the next Zoom conference call? Does anyone need to share the laptop or family office room now that school and work has transitioned to being virtual? Discussing potential problem areas before they become a problem is key to healthy communication.  It helps to prevent arguments, which in turn promotes healthy emotional boundaries for the entire house! Some families may benefit from sharing physical or electronic planners to help identify the new work space needs at home. Collaborating on an approach to share space your new “roomies” is key when establishing new boundaries given the uncontrollable circumstances of social distancing.

3.    Ask Your Room to Act Its “Age”. There is a lot that we cannot control right now and being away from your college campus can certainly be one of them! Feeling stuck inside a room that was once decorated to your 16-year-old self’s liking may not feel like the new “you”.  Is it time for a reset? Could your room use a little sprucing? And this can be done without spending money. Switch your comforter to what you were using in your dorm or post projects from your Graphic Design or Photography class in your room. You may notice that once your room starts to act its “age”, you may feel like yours as well!  Is it time to tear down those old K-Pop posters from your closet wall if your taste in music has changed? If you don’t have a desk in your room, maybe you can convert a dresser or an unused card table as one for the time being.  Having a clean, designated work space will allow you to identify the physical boundaries that separate your room from other spaces of your home. 

4.    Find Alternatives.  If you are sharing your room with another sibling/family member, it may be useful to talk about quiet hours and possibly use your headphones to help tune out distracting noises. You may have practiced negotiation with your actual college roommates (or wish you had!) and have newly developed routines and habits that worked for you and your peers in your dorm. Why not use those creative strategies with your parents and sibs as well? If you show your adult self to your family, they may start to acknowledge the new adult that you have started to become while living away from home.

5.    Offer to Help. Once you have determined what your needs are and how to get them met, it is also very important to show mutual respect and care for others’ needs and wants when establishing healthy boundaries.  One way to do this at home is by offering help.  Is mom now working remotely and having a difficult time setting up Zoom meetings with her co-workers? Does your younger sister need help learning how to email her teacher for the first time? Does Grandpa need some guidance on how to use the computer to check his stock or register for the 2020 Census? Solving one person’s problem with technology, for example, communicates that you care and respect their needs.  This may help other family members acknowledge your growth, helpfulness, and mastery over something that they do not know! In turn, this may also encourage other family members to also respect your needs, wants, and interests.